I’ve rifled through my collection of rugby side-splitters. These are my best Six Nations jokes.
Could Be About Every Six Nations Flanker Ever
As the Six Nations tournament got underway, a legendary flanker sat down to watch the new generation build on his legacy.
His three children came to him with some questions.
“Dad, why am I called Pilfer?”
The legend patted his son on the head. “The day before you were born, I saved the team by getting a turnover.”
The second child asked “Dad, why is my name Tackle?”
The legend smiled fondly. “The day before you were born, I made a last-ditch ankle tap to secure a win.”
The third child came along, “Dad?”
“Yes, Hands-In-The-Ruck?”
The Home Nations
The year that Wales won another Grand Slam, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman shuffled off this mortal coil.
As they chatted at the Pearly Gates, the trio realized they were lifelong rugby fans with something else in common.
St Peter beckoned them into heaven, but they had one condition.
“We’re only coming in if we can avoid the Welsh for a hundred years,” said the Englishman.
“Make that two hundred,” said the Irishman. “They might have shut up about their win by then.”
“Make it three hundred to be safe,” said the Scotsman.
St Peter agreed to their wishes.
The three men spent a wonderful ten years drinking beer and meeting beautiful women.
But one day when they were walking across the clouds to the celestial pub, they saw a glowing field of the greenest grass.
A tall handsome man was taking place kicks. Every ball sailed between the posts.
He had long flowing locks, gleaming white boots, and wore a Welsh rugby jersey.
The trio turned and marched furiously up to St Peter.
“It’s only been ten years and we found a Welshman. What happened to your promise?”
St Peter smiled benignly.
“No need to fret, lads. That’s God. He just likes to pretend to be Welsh!”
Hilarious Quotes From Six Nations Coaches
Yes, these are real quotes. Now that Gatland is back, I’ll start with the New Zealander…
As Sam Warburton struggled with injuries toward the latter end of his (too short) career, Warren Gatland gave the captaincy of Wales to Alun Wyn Jones.
Gatland always had a dry sense of humour. This was his verdict after a year with the big lock leading the team:
“Since he’s been captain we don’t have as many fights at training because he used to start most of them.”
Eddie O’Sullivan coached Ireland from 2001 to 2008 and had his own way of dissecting the players during training,
There was one time when he let into the forwards for failing to present the ball cleanly at a ruck.
The diminutive Peter Stringer was the scrumhalf and he was having trouble fishing the ball out from under a mound of bodies.
O’Sullivan yelled his verdict at the pack:
“Stringer may as well be looking for a Mars bar in a bucket of s**t.“
The French
French coaches always get their points across, regardless of fluency in the English tongue.
Marc Lievrement, a fabulous player, was the gloriously eccentric French coach when Les Bleus won the Grand Slam in 2010.
France were put to the pin of their collars in the final showdown against England. They won by a mere two points (12-10).
Faced with the inane question of how this achievement felt, the beaming Lievrement summed things up perfectly. If a little strangely.
It is a very nice baby, even if the birth was quite difficult.
Accountability, folks
Brian Ashton coached Ireland ten years before he coached England. It’s fair to say that the team in green weren’t great under his tenure.
In fact, they often looked like they learned the plays on the team bus.
Things came to a head against Scotland in 1998 when a flock of headless chickens would have done a better job on the field.
Sceptical journalists questioned the beleaguered Ashton about Ireland’s tactics. Ashton blithely replied:
I don’t know whose game plan that was out there but it wasn’t mine.
The IRFU didn’t find that as funny as I did. They immediately showed him the door.
More quotes?
If you want more real-life stuff, check out our collection of the funniest rugby quotes.
Overheard In The Pub
Losing in the opening round of the Six Nations can make the most ardent supporters doubt their team.
I overheard three guys chewing over a disappointing result over a few points. Each had his own theory as to the root problem.
Jack said, “I blame the manager. The bluffer can’t come up with a successful game plan.”
Jim said, “I blame the stupid players. They can’t execute the game plan.”
Joe said “I blame my short-sighted parents. If I’d been born somewhere else, I might be supporting a decent team.”
Overheard On The Way To The Match
I was walking toward Twickenham when I overheard a young chap talking on his phone.
He was telling his friend that he had two tickets for the Grand Slam decider.
But he hadn’t realized when he bought them that this would the same day as his wedding. So of course, he couldn’t go.
“You’ll have a great time”, I heard him say.
“The church is in St Albans and the bride’s name is Elizabeth. You can make it there if you leave now!”
Overheard In The Parking Lot
I don’t approve of coaches getting stick from disappointed fans after a loss. Except when it’s delivered in style by a little old lady.
This old dear was laden down by shopping bags as she walked slowly from the supermarket to her car.
This was in the fifth week of the Six Nations and one of the fancied teams was on a bad run. The national coach was getting groceries and saw the elderly woman.
He stopped and said, “can you manage, my dear?”
The little old lady shook her head.
“I’m too busy tending the garden to sort out the mess you got the team into!”
My Favorite Backs Joke
Owen Farrell may be marmite, but I think he’s an excellent ten. I’m not so convinced of him at twelve, which is why this yarn makes me laugh.
Owen Farrell was driving to Hendon when he picked up a hitchhiker. The grateful passenger started chatting about sports, and soon got to rugby.
“I just think England would be better if they had a bit of ambition to play. They should move the ball across the back line a bit more”.
Farrell shook his head angrily. “Wait a minute, pal. Do you not know who I am?”
“Of course”, said the passenger. “Do you not know who I am?”
Farrell got even angrier. “Why should I know who you are?”
The passenger says, “Faz, I’m your outside centre!”
The Best Joke About Six Nations Tickets?
I spent a day clicking on Ticketmaster but failed to get a ticket for the big match. So, I was watching in the pub when the camera zoomed into the crowd.
Who did I see but my old pal Harry trying to hide his face. I called his phone and asked how he got his ticket.
“From my brother Larry”.
“Oh, I didn’t see him beside you. Tell him I said hello.”
“I can’t. He’s at home, looking for his ticket.”
Gotta Have That “Walk Into A Bar” Joke
James Lowe, Jamison Gibson Park, and Mack Hansen are fantastic players. And this is a fantastic joke.
Two New Zealanders and an Australian walk into a bar near Lansdowne Road.
The barman says, “Well done on making the Irish team, lads.”
My Favorite Beatles Joke
Sir Paul McCartney was invited to appear on a popular talk show in the United States. But the music star turned down the big money fee.
“It’s easy money”, his agent argued.
“The host is a woman who makes jokes and doesn’t ask hard questions. Why not do it?”
McCartney pointed at the calendar. The live show was on the same day as England’s opening match in the Six Nations.
“It’s Ellen or rugby”, he said.
Fans On The Train
Four Scottish fans and four English fans struck up a friendly conversation as they queued for tickets for the train from London to Edinburgh.
The English fans noticed that the Scots only bought one ticket. “Aren’t you all going”? they asked.
“Watch and learn, lads”, the Scottish fans chuckled.
All eight jumped on the train. When the conductor walked down the aisle checking tickets, the four Scots ran into one toilet.
The conductor knocked on the cubicle door and said “tickets please”.
The door slightly opened and a single hand thrust through the gap with the ticket.
The English fans were impressed at this ingenuity. On the way back from the match, they decide to pull the same trick.
When they bumped into the same Scottish fans, the English lads told them they only had one ticket.
The Scots clapped them on the back. “We don’t have any,” they laughed.
“But how will you get away with that?”, the puzzled Englishmen asked.
“Watch and learn, lads,” the Scots chuckled.
When the conductor appeared at the far end of the carriage, the Englishmen rushed into one toilet and the Scots rushed into another.
As the Englishmen crouched in their toilet, they asked each other how their new Scottish friends were going to pull this off.
Meanwhile, one of the Scots snuck out of their toilet and knocked on the Englishmen’s door.
“Tickets please”.