Best Rugby One Liners

This is our collection of the funniest rugby one liners.

Some are puns, some are quickfire questions and answers, and some are amusing observations.

We laughed at them all.

Rugby One Liners And Puns

Did you hear that Father Murphy has taken up rugby? He’s scored a few tries but hasn’t made any conversions yet.

When you’ve seen one of those times that rugby players bunch together, then you’ve seen a maul.

I went to a rugby match recently, and it was freezing. Must have been all the fans.

I just can’t get into American football. They rugby the wrong way.

I thought I might do well in my rugby history test. But I didn’t pass!

I was watching a team of flies play rugby in a sugar bowl, but they kept dropping the lump of sugar. I said “lads, you’ll have to play better next week. You’ll be playing in the cup!”

Someone suggested playing a game in outer space, but I had to point out there just wouldn’t be any atmosphere.

It’s a funny old game, the captain said to his coach. The coach replied grimly – it’s not supposed to be.

Last year, Cinderella had to be dropped from the team after just one match. She kept running away from the ball.

This year, Cinderella’s performance started to dip toward the end of the season. Her coach had turned into a pumpkin.

Pen RFC played Pencil RFC over the weekend. It ended in a draw.

This season, the Invisible Man joined the team. He played rugby in a way that no one has ever seen.

Bath RFC: the English Premiership team that the French teams hate most.

I made it into the Wasps academy but I never went pro. I could only get into the Bee team.

Rugby And Relationships

My wife told me to choose between her and rugby. I said sure. Just give me ninety minutes to mull it over.

My partner just ended our relationship because I was obsessed with rugby. I’m quite sad about it – we’d been dating for three seasons.

Here’s an exchange of texts between one troubled couple.

3 p.m. Text From Girlfriend: “Me or rugby?!”

5 p.m.: Text From Boyfriend: “You, of course.”

One Liners About The Forwards

God invented beer to stop prop forwards from taking over the world.

I know our tighthead prop is a useless lump of lard but I still call him our wonder player. Every time he plays, I wonder why we signed him.

Of all rugby players, I admire locks like Martin Johnson and Paul O’Connell the most. They really are people to look up to.

I didn’t believe that story about the second rows. It was too much of a tall tale.

Quickfire Rugby Zingers

What did the ball say to the flyhalf? “I get a kick out of you”.

How do you stop squirrels from playing rugby in your garden? All you have to do is hide the ball. It drives them nuts!

What did the coach do when the pitch flooded? He sent on his subs.

What has 30 legs and goes crunch, crunch, crunch? A rugby team eating crisps.

What runs along the edge of the pitch but never moves? The sideline.

What part of a rugby club is never the same? The changing rooms.

What player can jump higher than the goalposts? All of them: goalposts can’t jump!

What is harder to catch the faster you run? Your breath!

Why were there no grasshoppers watching the Six Nations? They prefer cricket!

How did Scrooge manage to score the winning try? The ghost of Christmas passed…

Why aren’t velociraptors good at rugby? Because they’re extinct.

What do you do when you see an elephant carrying a rugby ball? Get out of the way.

What’s the difference between the Prince of Wales and a rugby ball at a line-out? One is the heir to the throne, the other is thrown into the air.

One Liners About Your Rugby Rivals

Do you want a quick one liner to throw at your mates who support your rivals?

Try some of these, and switch in the club or country that you prefer.

Disappointment in World Cups

The Irish are famous for not getting past a quarter-final of the Rugby World Cup. There are plenty of great rugby nations who have never made it into a final.

Try these for size and watch your mates squirm. All in good fun, of course.

Q: How many Irish rugby players does it take to win a World Cup quarter-final?

A: Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q: What do you call fifteen lads in a pub watching a World Cup semi-final?

A: [Put in your team of choice]

During the 2015 World Cup, the next quip was doing the rounds after the pool matches. If you’ve forgotten already (or just blanked it out), England was the only one of the home nations to go out of the tournament at this stage.

An Englishman walks into a bar…There’s usually a Scotsman, Irishman, and Welshman too, but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.

Heineken Cups and European Championships

What’s the Heineken Cup called now? I can’t remember. It’s still the Heino to me (no, that isn’t a joke).

The Welsh are notorious now for winning Six Nations while their clubs struggle in European tournaments. Here’s a zinger for your Welsh friends.

Q: What have the Welsh regions and a three-pin plug got in common?

A: They are no good in Europe.

Your rival clubs

Does your rival draw a lower attendance but still keep beating you? Try this one. I’ll use Saracens as an example, but you do you.

How many Saracens fans does it take to change a lightbulb. All twenty of them.

Does your rival play more conservative rugby than your team? Here’s a good one that works for both clubs and countries.

It would have worked for either side on the Lions 2021 tour to South Africa.

What’s the difference between a battery and South Africa? A battery has a positive side.

Your rival rugby nations

This one works for pretty much any national team in recent years except the All Blacks and South Africa.

During the Rugby World Cup, one of the national teams visited a local orphanage.

“It was heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said a sympathetic child, age 6.

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More Jokes From Around The World?

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