Best Australian Rugby Union Jokes

This is our collection of the best jokes about the Wallabies and Australian rugby.

We’ve got jokes and funny stories about the clubs, the national team, and traditional Aussie rivals.

Wallabies Quips And Jokes

Here are some crackers about the national team and coaches.

Deep analysis from Dave Rennie

Dave Rennie pulled one of the Wallabies squad to the side to have a private word. The player had been underperforming in international tests.

The coach put his hand on the player’s shoulder and said “I know what the problem is. Your performance always dips at the same point in every match.”

The player was eager to hear more. “I can work on that! When does it happen?”

Rennie scratched his chin. “Right after they finish playing Advance Australia Fair.”

Cheika meets his match

A few years ago, Michael Cheika was leaving Woolies and heading for his car. He spotted a little old lady struggling with her shopping bags.

The Australian head coach stopped and said “can you manage, my dear?”

The little old lady glared at him. “Are you asking me to sort out the mess you got the team into?”

Bledisloe

I couldn’t get a ticket for the Bledisloe decider so I grabbed a beer from the fridge and settled down on the couch.

As the cameras panned across the crowd, I spotted my mate Hunter in the best seats in Suncorp.

I called his mobile and asked him how he got the ticket.

“From my brother”, he replied.

“That’s generous!” I said enviously. “But I don’t see Aaron beside you.”

“He’s at home, searching the house for his ticket.”

Heaven And Hell

God and the devil were having an argument about which World Cup win was the most enjoyable. They argued for twenty years about the tournaments of 1991 and 1999.

Finally, the devil proposed that they resolve the dispute with a rugby match between heaven and hell.

God, in His infinite wisdom, felt duty-bound to admit that his side had an unfair advantage. After all, the great Wallabies were in heaven (with a few exceptions).

The devil gave a wicked smile. ”Who do you think has all the referees?”

Flying In The Outback

Three club players and their coach were flying up to Tennent Creek for some fishing.

Suddenly, the pilot yells back to them that the plane is about to go down. He tells the shocked passengers that there are only three parachutes.

The coach says “I manage the team and come up with the tactics. The club can’t survive without me so I’m taking one.”

He grabs a parachute and jumps out.

The flyhalf says “I’m the smartest man on this plane. The club won’t succeed without my direction on the pitch.”

 He grabs a parachute and jumps out.

Now it’s just the captain and a prop forward left. The prop is a promising young star while the skipper is getting close to retirement.

The older player sighs and says to the prop: “you’re more important to the team than I am, you take the last chute.”

The prop smiles and says “we can both go. The smartest man on the plane just used my kitbag as a parachute.”

Quick Australian Rugby Quips

Did you hear that Father Murphy is playing for us at flyhalf? He’s scored a few tries but hasn’t made any conversions.

Q: Why did God invent beer?

A: To stop Australian props from taking over the world.

Q: What did the ball say to Stephen Larham?

A: I get a kick out of you.

Q: What did Dave Rennie do when the pitch at Suncorp flooded?

A: He sent on his subs.

Jokes From Australian Rugby Supporters

I went to a home match and two old gents were seated behind me.

They were slating the performance of the new flyhalf who recently transferred to the club.

Aaron: I know he’s useless, but I still call him our wonder player.

Charlie: Why on earth would you call him that?

Aaron: Every time he plays, I wonder why we signed him.

When your club is a disappointment #1

Sure, we’re down the bottom of the league table but the coach is still passionate about the club’s fortunes.

Last Saturday, he caught two fans avoiding the gates by climbing over the stadium wall. He grabbed them by the arms and shouted angrily.

Get back in there and watch the game until it finishes!

When your club is a disappointment #2

Three fans sank a few beers after yet another bad performance. This was going to be another season of disappointment in the Super Rugby.

Noah said, “I blame the manager. The idiot can’t come up with a game plan.”

Mitch said, “I blame the players. They can’t execute the game plan.”

Harper said “I blame my parents. If I’d been born somewhere else, I might be supporting a decent team.”

Jokes About Rugby Rivals

Q: What’s the difference between a battery and the Springboks?

A: A battery has a positive side.

McCaw and Eales

A journalist was interviewing Richie McCaw and asked him a final question.

“Richie, what inspired you to play rugby at such an amazing level through your career?”

The retired flanker scratched his chin.

I wis sint by the God Of Rugby to titch everywin on irth how the game shid be played“.

The journalist phoned up John Eales for some follow-up research. The big man replied after a pause.

No, mate. He’s a great player, but I don’t remember sending him.”

Agent Eddie

If you want a good laugh, keep an eye on Eddie Jones as he winds up his rivals in the Six Nations. Here are some real quotes, not jokes!

Eddie was speaking at a dinner event in England before the 2018 tournament. This is what he actually said about the Welsh:

Wales. Who knows Wales? Are there any Welsh people here? So it’s this little s*** place that has got three million people. Three million!

Taken from “Best Welsh Rugby Quotes

And this about the Irish:

We’ve played 23 Tests and we’ve only lost one Test to the scummy Irish…We’ve got them next year at home so don’t worry, we’ll get that back.

Taken from “Best Irish Rugby Quotes

It wasn’t just Jones who had to apologize. His employers, the RFU, had to issue formal apologies to their fellow Unions.

It doesn’t take much to get the Irish fired up to face England, but Jones was pouring fuel on the barbie. Ireland thumped England that year and won the Grand Slam.

Want More Jokes?

Love a good laugh? Check out our book of Best Rugby Jokes on Amazon – a hilarious collection of quips, jokes, and one liners.

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